“There are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns—the ones we don't know we don't know.”
Donald Rumsfeld, to Defense Dept. Meeting February 2003
Snowboarders will never understand or truly experience the pure bliss of taking off a ski boot after a long fruitful day of skiing. Sure the ice cold beer in the apres ski bar tastes good to them like it does to me, as does the warmth of the hot tub and the re-energising nature of an afternoon nap before dinner.
But the boots - ski boots. Hard Shell. Rigid. Suffocating to the point of cutting off blood supply to your toes, a necessary condition to be able to have the control you need through your feet, to find the edges of your skis at the right moment in the turn.
Taking these restrictive, masochistic purveyors of pain and misery at the end of the day is truly magical. The release of tension and tingling sensation of the blood flowing back fully to your extremities is one of life’s luxuries - but a mystery to snowboarders everywhere.
The stories we tell ourselves that no one else hears. The challenges that other people are navigating that we know nothing about or might not be able to understand.
In the airport waiting to fly to the mountains, at the coffee bar next to the gate, there was a woman opposite me wearing a t-shirt that said:
“Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about”
It was 7am and she had a beer. Airports often exist in this twilight-zone of suspended social norms, yet her t-shirt made me pause. What circumstances might lead someone to seek comfort or relief at that hour? Her shirt was right - she was likely fighting a battle I knew nothing about, and it wasn't my place to judge what I couldn't understand.
Then on the flight, I was reading a blog I had been sent… and there it was again:
“Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about
Internalizing this is helpful not only because it encourages you to be easy on others, but also because it helps you be easy on yourself. After all, you’re not the only one struggling.
If something about other people triggers you, learn to accept it about them and see it as an emerging property of circumstances. Instead of saying that person's good or bad, look at what caused them to do X or Y.”
I sat with this for a moment, thinking about times I'd been quick to form judgments. Just days earlier, I'd been frustrated with a client who repeatedly showed up unprepared for our sessions. Had I stopped to consider what invisible pressures might be consuming their attention? This wasn't just philosophical wisdom from a blog—it was a practical reminder to approach my coaching with deeper empathy and curiosity.
During the trip, I read Tim O'Brien's 'The Things They Carried' about his experiences in Vietnam. In one harrowing passage, he describes his platoon setting camp in a field that flooded during a monsoon, drawing up decades of human waste. Under mortar attack, unable to leave their foxholes, one soldier was lost to the sinking sludge.
Reading this, I was humbled. In my comfortable, peaceful life, I cannot begin to comprehend what these soldiers endured. This stark reminder of experiences beyond my understanding made me question how often we judge situations without pausing to consider stories and contexts far outside our own reality.
I have a friend here in New York, whose father is a successful investor. I know that on the surface, her life looks perfect - amazing connections, access to people and events that others can only dream of and the flexibility to do what she pleases. But I also know that she lives in her fathers shadow - that she strives for nothing more than to be known as herself, rather than the daughter of her renowned father. That’s a weight that so few people realise she is carrying, let alone how heavy it is.
A lifetime of comparison, expectation and so often disappointment.
Masked from most by the access to private schools and top universities, holidays in exclusive locations and the latest new technology or pair of shoes. The trappings of success that we can so often misinterpret for happiness or fulfillment.
While I was training for the New York marathon a few years ago, I spent countless hours running up and down the West Side highway running path. So often, while partially immersed in a runners’ reverie, I would snapshot my awareness of a fellow runner and come to a conclusion about the pace they were running relative to mine, judging it too slow to break a certain time or too fast to sustain.
I had no idea what they were training for, what race they were running. But I had a story in my mind which helped me understand what my eyes were seeing. Or worse still, gave me comfort about my relative predicament.
The same question, reimagined.
What race is this person running? What battle are they fighting that I don't know about?
If you accept this idea - the idea that everyone you encounter is dealing with things that you know nothing about, a strong approach is to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. The person who cut in front of you at the traffic light might be rushing to the hospital to see their injured daughter. The acquaintance who seemed to ignore you on the street might be preoccupied with an argument they just walked out of with their partner.
The point isn't for you to concoct elaborate stories to explain away challenges or friction you encounter in the day. It is by the act of affording people the benefit of the doubt, you in turn reduce the tension and friction in your life.
When we consistently extend this benefit of the doubt to others, something remarkable happens: we create space for reciprocity to flourish. The battles others fight become less hidden when we approach them with genuine understanding. This reciprocity—this mutual extension of grace—begins when someone chooses to go first, to be positive without expectation.
As Shane Parish outlines in his Great Mental Models:
“Reciprocation teaches us that if you give people cynicism and curtness or nothing at all, you are likely to receive the same. But if you give people an opportunity and the benefit of the doubt, you will often be on the receiving end of the same behavior…. If you want an amazing relationship with your partner, be an amazing partner. If you want people to be thoughtful and kind to you, be thoughtful and kind to them… The best way to achieve success is to deserve success. Small changes in your actions change your entire world.”
Like the unique relief of removing ski boots that snowboarders will never fully understand, each of us carries personal burdens and experiences joys that remain partially invisible to others. By acknowledging these unseen realities, by extending the benefit of the doubt, we create a world where our own battles become a little lighter too. The next time you encounter someone whose actions seem puzzling or frustrating, remember: their boots might be pinching in ways you cannot see.
